the feelings are severed

they don't know nothing about recovery...

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 03:25:24 GMT

it's 11:11... make a wish.

I wish that wherever you are, you find happiness and for you to know that it was never my choice. I did what was best for you. You were and always will be my best friend.

I would have never thought that one person could do what you do, walk through fire and come out with absolutely no burns.

Drowning with my eyes wide open...

Sun, 06 May 2007 02:48:16 GMT

"you do more things right then i think you will ever know..."

...i wish i really did.
i'm trying as hard as i possibly can.
i don't think i've ever put this much effort into anything in my life.
and that's one of the billion reasons why i love the person who she is.

Stars...

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 11:43:49 GMT

How on earth did I get so lucky? So unbelievebly lucky. No joke... Michelle is the most amazing person I've ever met. I refuse to screw this up. I put people through hell...constantly. I am not going to do that to her because she deserves so much more than that. I'm falling for her... hard. And as afraid of her as I was, I'm not anymore. I've never felt this safe with someone. And even if something does happen to us in the future atleast I got to spend this time with her... atleast I got to care for her, but I'm giving this my all.

Just a couple more volts...

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 23:38:50 GMT

I made that jump.
I waited this long and I made that jump of telling her what she meant to me and I didn't fall.
And I am so unbelievibly happy.
Because she is the most amazing person I've come across in a long time... or ever.

death defying...

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 23:55:14 GMT

i make no sense sometimes, actually a majority of the time.

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 02:33:27 GMT

I'm fixing myself because it needs to be done. It needs to be done for the people in my life and for myself.
I'm extremely irritable at the current time, but I have my few things that never fail to make me smile.
Things are going to get worse before they get better, but I'm fully prepared for it.
I'm having a hard time controlling myself, but it's all going to be fine.
My sleep patterns are completely screwed and that's something I really need to fix aswell.
Whatever, my life is interesting.

i'm selfish as selfish comes...

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 00:28:49 GMT

i don't know, sometimes it's funny how things work out.
i don't know what i'm going to do with myself.
it's all good, everything's going to be fine.

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 00:22:50 GMT

yeaaaaaaa

shell shocked...

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 12:23:31 GMT

she really is the greatest & i love her hugs.

Ein teil von mir...

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 00:59:14 GMT

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do.
I think far too much for my own good.
I need to just go ahead and act on my feelings already and stop being a baby.

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 12:43:30 GMT

Vater sie sind ein teil von mir.

Spring Nicht....

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 21:11:27 GMT

Today I finally realized that I am the spitting image of my father. Which isn't a negative thing, but it certainly isn't positive. It's made me realize even more in depth of how I am an asshole to everyone around me and let certain things consume me.

Sometimes I really don't know why I'm still breathing and yet at the same time I know the exact reasons and I don't deserve them.
First of all I don't deserve Jessica, I really don't know how she's managed to stay in my life with what an asshole I've been. Honestly she's been there and that's far more than I could ever ask for. I don't know if I could hack it without her. And I'm sorry for all the shit that I've pulled over the years... I appreciate you're friendship more than anything. I really do.
I don't deserve Patricia. I don't deserve someone with such a great personality that will come and get me whenever just to act like assholes and so much more. With all the shit that I went through in tenth grade and coming out of it with this great friendship.
And lastly I don't deserve Michelle. And I'm not sure if she realizes just what she's getting herself into with me. There's really not even a word to describe her and I feel like nothing can touch me when I'm around her, like I'm invincible (which sounds so gay, but seriously) But I'm going back to that stupid little puppy thing and I don't want to put her through that. She deserves so much more than that. It's so great though because I can just look at her and she'll know what I'm thinking. I don't know. I'm getting all stupid and sappy. I'm so afraid of fucking it all up though.

I really am all over the place and it's kind of funny.
I told Howie far too much today and if he says anything to anyone else I know it's going to get fucked up in translation.
Whatever. I'm insane. Take it or leave it I guess.
It's so fucking stupid though that I have all my emotions down, I understand them, I know what triggers them, I know where they come from, I know what I can do to control them. Yet I act upon non of this. I just don't want to help myself, I want to live my life trial and error... I guess I find it more exciting that way.

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 08:46:16 GMT

i'm back from croatia.
longest damn vacation in my life, especially since it took everything to calm me down and make me smile.
i know i'll look back on it and say that i enjoyed it, but i just couldn't while i was there.
plus i got horribly sick on the plane rides.

my mom keeps making these horrible accusations and the first few times she said it, i just laughed and shrugged it off... but last night for some reason it really hurt. i guess cause it's true and i don't want it to be because i know it's not healthy for me. i'm trying to control it, i really am, but my emotions get way to out of hand. however, i refuse to ever go back to where i was.

yesterday was really actually great despite the mood swing that i had when we all went to the park. i really don't know why i get that way and at the same time i really do. i need to fix the way i act because it's completely inappropriate, yet at the same time that's what makes me...me and if people can't put up with it... then really i shouldn't have them in my life. i know everything's going to be fine... i just don't want to screw anything up, so i'll do what it takes... because for once, it's worth it.

i gave corey his clown and he loved it and hung it up. everyone liked the candy and the eggs and michelle liked the stuffed animal (which i felt like such a fag), but i got a hug. :]

(back up) me and my sister were both up at five am and we went out and got bagels and drove around and then we went and picked up andy from my grandmas and went to 7-11. it was so great, so i really didn't have to go through the agony of waiting to see everyone. this morning i'm going at 8:30 and we're going to suffolk for some health fair.

anyway then me and michelle stayed till 8 and attempted to eat dinner even though all she ate was an apple... and our whole meal consisted of "i chew loud" "no i chew loud" "sorry i drink so loud" "no i drink louder". :] i hate eating infront of people. it was so funny. and then we went and just walked. it was really nice because she actually talks about things... it's not just her listening to me. which honestly is so comforting. and she keeps saying that she's going to scare me away, but honestly it's not possible. :]

i'm so glad to be home... you don't even know.

oh oh oh and the picture she showed me today was the greatest thing ever.
no joke.

Short skirt and a longg jackett.

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 23:43:36 GMT

I don't know what I'm going to do without Michelle for 12 days. I already can't wait until I get back.

Today... Kevin Jusino friended me on facebook, it made my day.

I'm looking at you through the glass...

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 20:09:50 GMT

Cool really.

Besides that. Michelle took a walk with me today when I got upset and she gave me her jacket to wear because I was cold. :] I wore it until I had to leave cause I'm a fag like that.

They say misery loves company...

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 01:46:22 GMT

I'm going to peee my pants or cry. Either or.

Meshe91: I love your smile .... n I love the way u make me laugh .... n for the last week ur all I tihnk about ....ok I am really bad at this ...

goddd. god. goddddd. LUSCIOUS BOX. god. :] I can't even begin to express how happy I am right now.

You know my hips don't lie...

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 06:17:43 GMT

I am so glad I didn't chicken out from wishing her a happy birthday.
We a had a conversation and it was normal.
I am so unbelievably happy right now.
I took the step that I needed!
After all these months of wishing and hoping that things would get better.
I just hope things stay the way they are as of right now and I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep it that way.
She deserves it aswell as myself.

Do you hate me? Good, cause your so fucking beautiful when your angry...

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 23:08:54 GMT

How ironic.
I can't. I just fucking can't.
Every single fucking night ends in tears.
I need to get a fucking grip.

...It's an addiction and it can't be fixed.

BUT I WON'T BE MADE A FOOL OF...

[Edit]- I really should stop being so cryptic, it's pointless anyway. Who's the idiot who still reads Christina's lj? Me of course. So in group today (Our co-dependency class) who comes to mind yet again? She does. Not only today, but so many other times in group. (("What are you suppossed to do when you're so addicted to someone that it takes over your life, but they don't even want you around anymore." Yea they couldn't give me and answer for that one.)) And talking to Michelle today my exact words were, "I know what I need to do, I need to talk to her and say goodbye, even if it starts shit as it has in the past. I need closure." And then I come home to read that. If only I had the courage to say anything. If only I had the courage to say anything to anyone. But I can't say goodbye, I don't want to say goodbye. I hate all this hostility that I'm creating in my head, I hate my mindset. I can't say anything, I have in the past and it's gotten fucked up in the translation.
Although I spent the rest of my night talking to Michelle and she managed to calm me down. I overreact with everything and I need to stop. It's stupid, I shouldn't care... I don't want to care.
[If for some reason Christina you happen to see this, please do not make any assumptions from anything I've said. I can't live with thinking that you think I never want to speak to you again or ANYTHING along the lines of that.]
I know exactly what my problems are, it's just finding the motivation to fix them is what I need help with.

I want to cry now. I'm such a baby.

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 16:39:13 GMT

"if they just made drugs legal, they wouldn't have all these problems."- my mother.

But it's a couple more volts of shock treatment for you...

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 23:23:04 GMT

This is exactly why I am where I am in my life. Because I let people like this get to me. I let myself hurt so much. It's pointless, but you know what go ahead and blame me please. Give me another reason to fucking hate myself. It's only took so much convincing to actually smile. It's taken so much to get me to talk and I'm finally there and I let you tear it all apart. You don't know, so don't assume. You don't have conversations with me, so you don't what's going on in my life. If you're going to act like this towards me then you're right... I don't want you in my life.

I had a great day and then I wake up to this, I shouldn't have even responded.
It's taken SO much for me to stand up to myself, to actually stop friendships and yours truthfully was one I wanted to keep around. I am trying so hard to fix myself and it seems so pointless because whatever the fuck I do... I'm still a fuckup. Thank you. Because of shit that I wrote months ago when I had so much shit going on. Continue to point out my faults, it only gives me more reason to stop everything.

Honestly I can't fucking believe you because I took your faults for what they were and it never made you a horrible person in my eyes. I'd stick up for you whenever anyone said shit. I wish you could do the same for me. You know me better than probably anyone in my life knows me. You know full well that I am going to love you my whole life no matter what we go through. Whatever I say or you say. We got past a horrible time and I don't even know how the fuck that happened. I'm not fucking perfect so don't. Don't jump down my throat again because I don't need that.

I've changed so much in my life, I've fixed so much of myself and that's what I'm trying to do right now. Please let me continue to do this and if I make faults along the way I apologize. And you know I miss you.

They say misery loves company...

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 22:11:17 GMT

Today started out bad because of my sister, but then improved drastically by the time I got to clubhouse. I actually talked again in group, but whatever. Michelle, Howie, and I decided to walk to Mcdonalds for lunch, which was an hour away. It was rather entertaining. Another hour back. Totally worth it though.

Hahahaha< 3

She's like so whatever...

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 12:56:25 GMT

Time to start my life over, for the billionth time with a fuck you attitude.
I don't care and I need to start changing.

And get the fuck away from certain people.

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 16:52:32 GMT

Happy Late Birthday Ashley.

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 05:41:10 GMT

buh bye lj.

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 02:47:15 GMT

Saturday night, 8pm. = What I've been waiting for.